Finding your voice!
How can you stand up for yourself when you have been silenced for so long? The first step is to get in touch with your needs and feelings. What usually happens is we are taught that our needs, wants, and voice need to quieted in comparison to others surrounding us. From a young age we were probably told to be quiet by family and that nurture taught us that we must put others first before our own needs. Thus shutting us down from how we truly feel and automatically dismissing any need that arrises as something troublesome and inappropriate. No matter if the intentions were insidious or if there was no ill will, silencing someone from using their voice can show them that their feelings and wants are not valid.
Because of this many people today have a hard time expressing their feelings and being direct with their words. Some people repress, others skirt around the subject, some avoid, some just flat out deny, and all these ways of handling our feelings were the ways we coped as a child. This led to a bunch of adults unsure of how to handle conflict, relationships, honesty and kept us in the dark about how to feel secure in ourselves. This type of behavior can cause co-dependency, relationship issues, and a lack of self love, why? Because we are taught that we must first put others before ourselves.
So what are some ways that we can take back our own power and learn to speak our truths?
Seek help with a therapist.
Finding a professional who you feel comfortable with in expressing your feelings, wants and needs to will be a start in how you do so in the world outside their office. I believe that every single person can benefit from therapy. Having an unbiased ear to help you understand yourself and learn to process your feelings and traumas is a way to feel safe and secure in yourself. Seeking a therapist should not carry any negative stigma, and if you feel this way then addressing why that is would help bring clarity into your life. Therapy is a way for you to deal with the past, your emotions and bring assurance to yourself so that you can let go and heal, while building new habits.
2. Mirror Talk
Talking about your problems or how you are feeling in a mirror allows you to look at yourself and get a glimpse into your body language, mannerisms, and ticks. It may show you your hesitations and fears and when you are feeling uncomfortable. Once you have an understanding then challenge yourself to be assertive and direct instead of shrinking away or any other fear based movement you found yourself doing. Practice makes perfect so practice in the mirror allows you to gain confidence and see yourself first.
3. Breathing techniques
Anytime you start to feel stressed or threatened then take some long deep breaths. If you start to feel shaky, or restless, or uneasy breathe into it. Help calm down your nervous system so that you can start rewiring your neural pathways. You want to treat that type of stress in a calm fashion so that you can get to the root of the problem rather than intensify the behavior only fortifying it and making it worst. Breath is life, so breathe in fully and out fully.
4. Take small steps
Once you feel confident or ready to begin speaking your mind to others then start first by establishing small boundaries. For instance if someone keeps taking your food in the fridge then speak to all parties about it clearly and directly that you will be putting a label on your food and it is not up for grabs whatsoever. It is important to know that anything that is yours including food, clothes, items and materials, thoughts and feelings are yours and no one else’s and you are within your right to tell someone no and stick with that No. Establishing boundaries is difficult and may upset others or cause you to lose others but you will feel a whole lot better, safer, and more assured in being yourself when you have clear boundaries. It may also show you who supports, who takes and uses, and who just vanishes.
5. Use “I” statements
When establishing boundaries or speaking your feelings be sure to use I feel this, or I’m this, or I sense this as to not be accusatory or giving away your power to someone else. You are 100% responsible for how you are feeling, what you do, say or how you act. When you use statements like,
“I don’t appreciate that my food has been eaten by someone other than me.”
“I feel that my things are not being respected or that permission is given to use them.”
These types of statements allows for you to state your feelings, state your boundaries and do so in a healthy way.
6. Role play
If you aren’t ready to confront or speak your truth to the person in question then role play the scenario either with a friend, relative, therapist, or someone you trust and feel comfortable with. Things may go as smoothly as the role play sessions or they may be better or worst. There is no way in knowing until you speak with the exact person. But what role playing will do is give you experience in the scenario using your voice and stating your feelings. This is a time to practice and find confidence and strength. It’s okay to make mistakes, feel nervous, be afraid, just don’t let that stop you from continuing on and practicing. Even if you feel stupid or embarrassed its okay. We all feel that way, especially when we are speaking about ourselves when we never have before. It can be nerve wracking and scary speaking up, just go at your own speed.
When we practice speaking about our feelings, needs, or wants we gain confidence and are more prone to do it more often. When we can speak our minds in a way that is authentically you that is when you learn self love, acceptance and compassion. I know from personal experience that standing up for myself and speaking my own truths has brought me so much respect for myself and my boundaries. Along with allowing myself to be seen, heard and feeling comfortable doing so. It takes practice, especially if you were told how unimportant you were all your life or were made to feel that way. But it can be done if you put in the work. So don’t quit, don’t give up because anything is possible with enough work, consistency, and determination.
Remember this expression, “It doesn’t have to be pretty, you just have to do it.” There were times I stuttered trying to express myself, I said things backwards, I got quiet because I got so nervous, I froze, but I didn’t stop because of those things. Instead I let them be my learning points and rose up to become more eloquent. My writing and speech skills were so god awful when I was younger I sounded illiterate at times. I couldn’t express myself without being angry or wanting to cry when facing someone I was scared of, but now I am able to do so with a level head and a calm demeanor. Not everyone is going to like you and that’s okay, because you won’t like everyone either. We aren’t here to like everyone, we are here to learn from everyone and become our authentic selves. So let yourself get in touch with you, allow yourself the space to grow into this amazing soul who is self assured and powerful. And this comes by speaking your truth and not giving away your power! Be well my friend and make good girl and good boy choices!!
Today was a 9!