Book 1: Figureoutable
So many people see an ambitious, driven, smart woman but what they don’t see is the underbelly of her life. They see someone who is put together and responsible, someone who is a business owner and think wow she must have a grand life. At least I’m trying to portray what people may think about me. But to have come this far in my life into all these successful aspects wasn’t pretty or a walk in the park. Even now I face triggers and obstacles that have a major impact of my mentality.
When I was younger I was bounced around from parents to grandparents to group home and then another family. I was always this “burden” or was made to believe that I was the cause of everything. The dysfunction of my family still lives on and my mom’s side would have you believe that it is indeed all my fault. They would fool you with their fake demeanors and smiles and tell you how I was just so messed up and make me into this grand monster. Today was a day where I felt really triggered, a place I haven’t felt in a long time which is why I am bringing all of this up. I felt this way because I am leaving a place of work to venture off into the unknown and it felt reminiscent of that past.
I’ve been working hard on my office and decided instead of going out and working on the space I would give myself some space to chill and not beat myself up about it. As I spent the evening relaxing I started to feel it. The wave. It was this feeling I couldn’t shake all day but chalked it up to being tired. But instead of running I began to ask myself questions that I found in the book I started today, Everything is figureoutable. “What can I learn from this?” I asked and immediately started to sink into it. When I do this kind of work it’s like I am zoning out in order to find the answer, and as I approached one I felt the jolt in my stomach. “I don’t want to be alone again.” I kept repeating the question so I could keep sinking deeper into it. Every time I felt the butterfly feeling I would lean into it and tears would pour down my face. I wasn’t running from this this time.
I kept going further along the maze, memories flashing around the bend as to why I would feel this way and with every one I would ask, what can I learn from this? And every time instead of stopping I kept moving closer to it, moving closer to that feeling of I don’t want to be alone. I searched for it because when I asked the question it only brought me to feeling it instead. Feeling it instead of running from it, that was my take away from asking the question over and over. That in order for me to change it I needed to feel it, I needed to dive deep into the memories that made me feel this way, into the pain that made me believe I would be alone. Anytime in the past these feelings would come about I would numb them with food or tv or running around in order to not acknowledge them. But by acknowledging it wholly, my body and mind feel released from it’s grasp around my heart.
Being triggered is not fun, nothing seems to help or calm you down. Breathing helps for a few minutes but then you are right back into that space. Talking with others just seems to make it grow bigger, at least for me. Then there’s the avoiding it instead which makes it knock louder and harder at your door. Normally this would have turned into some cry fest or some big talk about my feelings either out loud or to someone but instead I decided to try this new approach. I sunk into them and the tears shed were a tear here and there. It was different because instead of allowing myself to become absorbed in them I felt them and let them go every time I asked the question, “What can I learn from this?”
So if you are triggered or are dealing with things within I want you to ask yourself that question. Try it out, if it doesn’t work for you then no harm. But if it does then follow the trail like a blood hound and keep following it to the bottom. Do I feel as if I am going to be alone again? No, not anymore, at least not in the same way. What I mean by that is I don’t know if that will happen but if it does I will always have myself and the wonderful people I am bringing into my life and who are in my life. I just feel as if I have no control over what happens in the future and that is A okay with me.
After doing this exercise I feel a weight has been released from my shoulders and that the trigger feeling is gone. This could be temporary, but I’ve yet to experience this before. Normally it becomes a depressed state from bottling it in, or running from it, or one of the many evasive maneuvers I do but now I’m good. I write this without certainty because I just experienced this tonight so I am letting you know how I was able to get out of it today. I hope it helps you like it did with me. And now I am going to set my intention for the remainder of the week. It’s going to be a productive, happy, and exciting week with 1 surprise by the weeks end. I hope that you make good girl or good boy choices and be well my friends. And if you ever need support when you are feeling down, triggered or uncertain message me or a friend. Having a support system is always a good way to get out of it.
Today was a 6.