Grandma
What an exceptional day today was. I woke up 10 lbs lighter. Last night I was able to release some things I didn’t quite sort out. It was an ah ha moment where I felt empowered and could take a deep breathe finally.
2 years ago my grandma passed and it shook me. It took all I knew and sent me spiraling into something I didn’t expect, withdrawal, transformation, and acceptance. When you lose a loved one you never know the pain until it hits you square in the face. Losing her made me so afraid of losing my dad I was afraid to move. My dad , flawed as we all are is the one person in my family I can rely on. He is one of my best friends and I love him so deeply. The loss of my grandma was so intense for me that I couldn’t bear that again.
Why is death such a transformative thing to the living? I don’t know if you have lost someone you love but it changes you. I went through all the stages of grief and it wasn’t until last night that I finally gained acceptance. Death is a part of life, but for those who have to morn it can be damn near impossible to navigate. You think you are fine the entire time but then bam you get hit with it all over. It comes in waves and this came up for me because of my vacation.
There were so many signs that reminded me of my grandma. Walking to the beach everyday was a sign that said Lehigh which was where my grandma lived. Tasting chocolate fudge with walnuts reminded me of when we use to make that together. Family dinners reminded me of her too, before the divorce and drama. Everyday there I got to be with her at that beach and it made me see how Ive let myself miss out on time with my dad.
Ive been callous and angry, and these emotions led me to withdrawal and isolate and forget the things that matter most. Have you done this before? Have you retreated for fear of losing another loved one? After years of dramas with my family and the abandonments to actually lose one of the members I loved so much was devastating. But now I see how little time I have here in this world with the ones I love. Im actively going to make this time count. Today I am so grateful for my grandma Jo, she helped me become who I am today and even now helps me practice faith. I miss you grandma and think of you everyday. Thank you for everything you did!
Today was a 10.