Honor yourself

How is your self esteem? For me the past month it has been down the drain. I feel as if I am banging my head against a wall because everything I have been thinking isn’t even what I want. So why is my self esteem been down? Let’s dive a little into the past month to understand what created the lack of confidence to begin with. 

We all do a bunch of comparisons right? Social media floods us with a bunch of highlight reels and positive energy, but me personally I haven’t been feeling it. Sure I am pretty positive, and I think I am great but the month of October has given me some things to really dive into. 

Since quarantine I have thought about where I am in the world and though I have been utilizing my self discovery I haven’t fully allowed myself to change the things I want. I kept trying to make things happen when my heart wasn’t fully in them. I kept thinking well everyone else is making steps and changes what am I doing? Keeping up with the Joneses only made me try to force a square peg in a round hole. I thought the next step for me must be this, it’s the logical one. Why not make this the next step. 

For months I tried to keep pursuing something that every time I thought about made me lose self esteem, it made me feel more and more trapped, and it hadn’t even happened. Why was I doing this to myself? Stressing myself out to do the next “big thing,” when all I wanted was to pursue something totally different then what I have been doing. This blog, writing, it’s my passion. I fought myself daily to get myself to write everyday. Questions like what will I write about, or what can I even talk about, were always huge obstacles for me. It wasn’t until months of practice that I realized how much this is all I want to do. 

Writing was once just a passion but now it’s a calling. I never thought I could make this a career. Who would read my stuff? Who would listen to what I have to say? I always assumed I would open a spa or wellness center because that is the supposed next step for being a massage therapist. But like I said, quarantine changed me, and my goals. The thing is I didn’t allow myself to truly change with it. I fought against it, demanding of myself to take that next step, to open a spa. But I am not someone who wants that sort of life, limited to one place, full of responsibilities and job titles. No thank you. 

I use to believe that was the next step, until the other day I had a realization. That what I truly want is to be seen as a writer, a motivator, a coach, a healer. I am happy where I am, it just took me a while to see that. I wasn’t honoring myself because I was demanding something of me that I didn’t want to even do. All because I have no idea how to be seen as a writer, as a creator, as an innovator, an imaginative. I’ve had success doing massage and having my own practice, to change that to be a writer, how would I even start. I was to afraid to take the leap and dive into my dare to habit because I didn’t have the self esteem or courage to do so. 

So by not honoring my higher self I blocked my own confidence. I stopped it in it’s tracks because I was trying to be someone I wasn’t. Let me ask you now, are you honoring yourself? Are you living in the image you think others expect or are you fully in your own power? What could you actively do right now to take the right steps to start living your best life? Sit down and meditate, write a pros and cons list, talk to yourself, look in the mirror and have a conversation. Communicate with yourself, you may not even be aware that you are even blocked to your higher self. 

Today was a 7.