Confrontation

I hate this part. To confront is to speak up about what is wrong or what crosses your boundaries and could result in conflict. Like I have said before I hated confrontation. I usually silenced myself and froze when approached with this. Did you know though that confronting isn’t just about dealing with others? But also confronting yourself and your past. There is so much more to this then just a disagreement and by actually tackling this you begin to change the things about yourself that are no longer serving you.

For years I thought that all the self work I was doing was changing me, and maybe on a small scale it was. But it wasn’t until this pandemic happened and gifted me time enough to really dive into myself that I began to see that there was real work to be done. I had only scratched the surface on what I knew. So if I was going to really be the change I wanted then it was time to fucking buckle up and take off.

Confrontation isn’t about yelling at someone else, or yourself. It is about stating truth. It is about taking the truth of your feelings,actions, and thoughts and verbalizing them. Like for me I didn’t confront the fact that I cared what others thought about me. Whatever the reason was at the time it’s irrelevant. I just put so much stock in what others thought that I walked on eggshells and danced this perfect little dance. I had to be perfect so others would like me, but I didn’t like me. I didn’t like that shit because I am flawed and make mistakes. I have cellulite on my bum and extra flesh. And I don’t care anymore. Not because I don’t want to strive to be better, but because I am owning what I am. Of course I want to be a body of marble wrapped in silk, deadlifting 1000 lbs and be this goddess of mount Olympus. But if you never confront where you are at right now, you won’t be able to change it if you want to. I want to change my body. I want to compete like a true athlete and I have the body type just for that. Plus my level of competition I don’t let anyone see because it’s the rip your head off kind. It’s ugly and full of rage. It use to be fueled by competing with others and when I was less then I knew I could be I let it effect me and my self worth. What a joke. How broken do you have to be to let things effect you so deeply. Pretty fucking broken.

This is amazing because it’s like David Goggins does, uses the accountability mirror. I love that guy, his story has helped me so fucking much. But confronting your own demons allows you to confront the outside world. When you are so busy battling everyone around you, do you understand that it is actually coming from within you? What you do is a reflection of who you are, and for me I caved and became the victim. I allowed myself to wallow in my own filth for far to long. I let the rot and stink create clouds of negativity around me pushing people away. That is why I have been using this time to look inward. I don’t want to be someone crying my eyes out, being so low that you feel like there’s no point to go on. Like Voldemort, you know the scene when you see his true body up in kings cross? Yea that’s what I felt like. EWWW.

So have you taken a look at yourself? Have you really looked in the mirror and confronted all your shit? Have you confronted others when you need to? Or have you silenced yourself out of fear? When confronting others make sure you state it using I. That is taking responsibility for yourself, I feel this way because it hurts my feelings. Don’t push the blame onto someone else. Like you did this to me. That is not confronting anything. It’s pushing responsibility from you and onto someone else. Own yourself, own your feelings. Are you ready to tackle your demons?

I challenge you to start writing down everything that comes up for you. Being upset with someone put it on the list. Write it all down and then start checking that shit off by talking about it. By taking responsibility for it you can move forward and make better relationships. With yourself and with others.

Today I am at a 6. I was at a 5 1/2 earlier this mornin but got amazing news so it boosted me up. I made it to the elimination round of this Hudson valley magazine to be voted as best in the Hudson valley for massage therapist. I said last year I would win this year, and I am going to keep manifesting the shit out of that!!