Looking through the window of awareness

So today there was a breakthrough moment for me. A bit of insecurity started to creep in for me. Normally it would send me spiraling down a dark rabbit hole but today I was able to keep my composure without the validation from anyone else. That is huge! What did I do? Well with the help of others, and the therapist I was able to take the next step in my awareness,

The thought popped into my head like a jack in the box bouncing out of his cube. It started to chirp in my ear and normally it would keep going and going and my response would be like why am I feeling this way. When you ask that question I now realize it invalidates your feelings. It kind of puts blame and shame on the feeling you are having which causes more and more anxiety and negative emotions. So instead of asking myself why. I said what is arising in me right now. Then I allowed myself to fully feel the weight of it. No judgement, just let it run its course. I pretended as if this feeling was that of my inner child and spoke with it about the feeling. I was able to accept it and let it go. After I was happy. Normally I am all over the place, searching for a way to remain calm. Get validation from my partner or friends. Today was different, the feeling happened and then it was gone. Like some kind of magic or alchemy. As my friend said I transmuted my pain, and that for me is something new. It is empowering and I felt in control of my emotions instead of scrambling to gain a sense of something. 

I may not always be able to catch every feeling or thought that happens and causes me to spiral down, but this right here is a small victory. It is me taking my awareness of what triggers me, what my normal thought pattern is and create something new with it. That is everything. For someone who battles depression, anxiety and low self worth to be able to stop an insecure thought and come out of it happy that is the most amazing feeling. It feels like love for yourself. Like real actual love for yourself. Instead of avoiding my feelings or invalidating them, instead of judging myself so harshly I took a stroll down the block with them. I sat with them as if a child and listened for the first time. To hear yourself is such a strange feeling. It feels like you are speaking inside yourself but also experiencing the feelings as well. 

So for you I want you to focus on yourself and where you are in your awareness. Maybe you aren’t aware of your thoughts yet and how they spiral you down. Or maybe you are so aware and are able to let go after felt. Wherever you are in your process be patient and practice kindness. You are a miracle of life and when your mind is talking listen and be cognizant of what it’s telling you. That will create an awareness of your values, how you spiral or get triggered, maybe it will show you how you get in your own way. Those old habits you feel and some you don’t create the boundaries we put on ourselves. By stepping through to your awareness you learn how to come out of the box and into your freedom. 

Today I was at an 8. I did a workout at a higher weight then I normally do and went out to eat for the first time in a long time. And started a project!