Hate

What a strong word. That level of anger and feeling is consuming and indescribable at times. It can fill you up, and boil you over. I want to bring this feeling up because its a word I used frequently today. I have not used this word in a very long time, but today nothing went right at all for me. Usually I have my routine and can get by, but today, well that wasn’t the case.

What does it mean to hate? It is a a strong dislike for something. No it’s worst then a strong dislike, it’s like a fire that takes out a whole forest. And today that was this day. Every time I hit bottom I practiced courage and utilized my strength to get back up. But this unrelenting day just kept crushing me under its weight.

Normally I discuss a topic and speak about that first hand, which I actually did. I had written a beautiful blog entry earlier in the day, then it got deleted. The screen refreshed out of nowhere and the hard work I had just put in vanished, just like that. This wasn’t even the start of my day, this was already after numerous hiccups, and thats when I lost it. I tried to take a bath to cool off. I tried to scream out my frustrations. I tried to talk it out. I worked through every ounce of my soul today to find strength to let go of this feeling. To hate, it’s a word I don’t like to use because of the heaviness and sourness it brings. It spoils everything it touches, and when you send that out into the world, be prepared for the never ending storm of obstacles and frustrations and rage. Because to hate is to cause a piece of you to become fractured. This beautiful person becomes bitter. The inner toxic feeling starts to bubble to the surface as if you took a whiff of sarin gas and your foaming at the mouth and dying. It’s consuming and it turns you into a monster.

People hate each other for different reasons. It can be because of race, sex, political affliliation, and so on. Hate is out there right now, in the air. We hate this country because it did this. We hate this group of people because they took this away. The world is drowning in this atrocity that is Hate. I have not allowed myself to feel hate like this in a long time. Perhaps its denial, perhaps I didn’t want to accept I had this feeling inside me. But today I truly felt it. For people, for places, for events, for many things. It filled me with such a deep ache I was stupified to be pro-active, to be positive and find the good. This retched feeling captured me and took such hold I lost my gratitude, my routine, my reason. Even now as I write this I am working on releasing this demon. I wanted to write about this because I want you to see, just like you I am human. I am still working on myself. I am still learning. Many of the other blogs I talk about I am working on practicing myself. That is why I decided to be open here and speak about this feeling. Because this one is “negative.”

Today was to squeeze me. To find the very last bit of darkness I had in my heart, and learn to release it. This day was a test, to teach me how to let go of anger, and hate. Not for others but for myself. I was pushed and prodded so that I may be free of the negative undertones in my subconscious. It was to bring me out of hell and to face the facts, that I was hurt by so many people. It caused me to be quiet. It caused me to not speak my mind. It caused me to not let people in. This inner hatred I felt so hard today was my inner child screaming about how extremely hurt I was by my family, and how I let others treat me as a convenience. If I didn’t benefit them they did not care, or reach out. It taught me how my relationships are, and it taught me what I didn’t want anymore. It made me face the truth, that a lot of things are not working in my life. And now I get a chance to change them. I get to change me. Today I hated so hard, I learned what it truly meant to forgive and find love for myself. Because when you look into hate, you can see that all it wants is to be loved.

I challenge you to face your hate. If you have any. Not just your hate but any emotion that comes up for you. What does it make you feel in your body? How does it change your perspective? I want you to instead of resist it find compassion for it. I want you to sit with it and figure out what it wants to teach you. Really listen to what it wants you to hear, because the sooner you can let it out, the sooner you can find true love of yourself. To face hate in your heart frees up space for so much love. It opens you up to abundance and feelings you didn’t know where possible. I ask you, what is it doing for you? Holding on to that hate? Does it feel good? Or is it just to hard to face that enormous feeling head on? I avoided this feeling and denied it because I was told it was negative to have, and that it was a “bad” feeling. But just so you know, no feeling is bad. They only become bad if you cast them at others with toxic actions and hurt. So allow yourself this space to accept these feelings, and then let them go. Imagine them like a field of butterflies, literally all leaving you and floating up into the sky. Feel it so hard that you crush the weight of it in your hand. This is how you learn to love yourself. I love myself.