Days gone by
When did this all start? All this Covid nonsense? Wasn’t it months ago? Wow months. Think about where you were mentally right before the big collapse of the world, or what seemed like the biggest thing. I was unearthing myself. Still in a state of confusion about a lot in my life and burnt out from endless massage. And once that hit it was like the straw to break the camels back. All the self doubt, unresolved inner emotions, and old habits crept up on me causing me to collapse in on myself with the heavy weight of depression. Each day became a blur, spinning me deeper and deeper into my own nefarious web.
A month went by and it seemed like time was at a stand still. All the while my inner conflicts brewing, not knowing who I was or why I was here. Then 2 months went by, still sinking deeper yet, and uncertain of when it would stop. What, three months? Yes in 2 days it will be 3 months from my final day of work and where am I now? I am looking for change. Looking for a guide into my future to create magic and brilliance. Of course I will continue the path I had before but even then I wasn’t fully happy. The only difference now is that I am ready for change, I am embracing it. I feel it coming and I dream of much more then a room with a table.
During these months of quiet isolation and contemplation I have fallen down harder then I ever have. I rehashed old memories and mentalities I believed were reality. I caught myself stuck in a place that was the inner frequency of my existence, that I was alone. Imagine in the underneath of who you are a constant lull playing melodically to every action, thought, and feeling you have whispering; you are alone. To conquer this barbaric monster and put an end to it’s reign is what I accomplished in my quarantine. Sure sometimes those echoes come up trying to entice me into it’s embrace but now I am aware of them. I am aware of that feeling and see it for what it is. Fear.
During this quarantine I have done much more then I applaud myself for. I realize that I, a person who is optimistic and lucky has become negative and callous. I saw the negative of everything happening even when it was a good thing. I began my sentences with well I didn’t do this, or I wasted time. I negated all the work I actually accomplished. I told myself I had not achieved the world but in all truth I did. I achieved the world for myself. I squashed a lot of my darkness, I shared and revealed so much to the world in this blog. I dug deep into my psyche and was able to truly allow an emotion to be felt and accepted for what it was and then let it go. I rested my body from so much physical stress and became aware of the slow pace I must go. I learned to love my partner more deeply and understand him better. I learned to love myself and accept who I am and where I am at. That will forever change things for me.
So with time spent in this quarantine I want you to honor yourself and how you spent the time. Don’t ridicule yourself or belittle it. Because however you spent your time is exactly what you needed to do to get to the next step in your life. Some may have achieved more in their careers, or materialistically. Some may have achieved more internally. Do not compare your journey to another because your life is not the same as anyone else’s. You can’t compare apples to oranges, and trying only diminishes the very light inside of you. Instead praise yourself with love, grant yourself this time to be free in all you do. Who cares what anyone else is doing, the only thing that matters is you.
Today I was at a 9. Sinuses still acting up but otherwise great!!