Are we Capable
Are we capable of forgiving others? Are we capable of real change? Are we capable of true growth or do the wires set from our basic foundation from childhood stay ingrained forever in our psyche? In our DNA? Like I know I am usually a positive person who believes in true growth and that if we work hard enough we can do it, but I sit here in the same body, feeling the same way about myself that I did. Are we born to be the same person throughout our lifetime? Or can we truly change?
At time I totally believe we can change and other times not so much. There are times I see so much growth in my life, then there is an undertone of crippling self doubt and old beliefs still weighing on everything I’ve created. Which makes me question does trauma ever go away? I know why that doubt is there, I’m very much aware of what is going on inside, but can you ever really rewire that old pain and push past it? Or is it stuck inside of you forever?
There are 2 sides of every coin, but what if that other side is just a copy of what you already are? What if who we are is just the person we want to be, and the person we are? See I know I am a badass and beautiful and funny, but deep down in the deep downs there’s that doubt and limiting beliefs. Have you ever watched lady and the tramp? You know that scene with the rat and the baby? Imagine that those inner doubts are that rat, slowly trying to take everything it can. It wants to keep the pain going, it wants to reignite triggers, reignite doubt, and it will fight for it. Then above all the deep down is the tramp, he goes in and fights that rat and usually is victorious, but that rat just goes and hides until the next trigger, moment of doubt or stress induced anxiety outburst.
The constant war within always waging, so if it’s always there waging between the new stimulation and the old programming are we actually capable of change? With this power struggle going on are we able to forgive old hurts, bond with the people, create the person we want to be? Or are we doomed to constantly struggle with the same cycles? I know that working the affirmations, meditation, self help books, therapy and everything has definitely eased the struggle a lot, but some days it feels like even with all the work I am still right where I started. I think damn why am I still so afraid to open myself up to the things I want? Why do I still believe that I am not worthy or capable of creating the place I want. Because where I see myself, and where I am right now the math just doesn’t add up. I guess that is why I have been so anxious lately, and stressed.
I have huge dreams for myself and it just takes consistency and effort to get there, but besides that the biggest thing is to put myself out there. DO THE THINGS IM SCARED OF!! I think that embracing the fear, the vulnerability will be the way we change that rat. So little by little I push myself to make videos, talk to people, and open my throat and speak my truth. I love who I am and what I’ve accomplished but I have a thirst for more. Not just monetary, but full of laughter, supportive friends who bring love, family, and travel. And I’m tired of my rat coming in here and trying to take my joy. So I will keep fighting in hopes I am capable of forgiving, changing and creating the life I envision for myself.
I hope if you struggle with your own rat that you have people to trust and talk to about it. I hope you find ways to fight back and move forward in your life. And if you know some ways of catching that rat with a trap please feel free to leave a comment!! I’d love to hear about it!
Today was a 7.