Reconnect after Isolation

My trip in Iceland with wild ponies

I find it funny now that things are starting to open back up and I see people and part of me is like omg how do I talk again. What do I say? What do I normally do with my hands. It’s like I am so changed from this and I am unsure of how to connect again. But today I reconnected with my old best childhood friend and it was like coming up for air. It was like a heavy weight around my heart had broke and for the first time I was able to truly lose the judgment and the callousness that has been eating at me for the past 3 years. 

This closed heart was slowly bringing me deeper and deeper into pain and hurt, not being able to let others in for fear if they knew me they would just leave or judge me. But it was me who was judging so harshly. That armor and defense was my way of keeping everyone out because I was literally at the edge of giving up. I couldn’t take another lose. Then today I got to open up to someone who knew me and the struggle I had and for the first time I felt supported again. I need that because never having it I just need that reassurance. Not because I can’t give it to myself but because I can but what does success by yourself mean if you don’t have others to be a part of it? Yea sure validating myself is great but what is life without friends and family. That is what matters most to me. 

For 3 years I didn’t allow myself to get close because the last person I did seemed to use me as a convenience, and the more I knew them the more I saw how I couldn’t trust them. Which made me recluse myself like a hermit, and enter a downward spiral. But 3 years ago I finally started to find myself. I went through so much with my own family and even a change in friends that I find myself starting over again. Except this time I know what I want out of relationships. 

I had a hard time opening up to the world and being authentically me because every time I had I lost those whom I cherished. And loss is a son of a bitch. But today I laughed harder then I have in a very long time. I felt hope again, and brave in a way that I knew I had someone in my corner. That feeling is how I rise. Sure I can push myself, I can work hard and have done so, but when you give me a supportive environment that nurtures me with laughter and ease that is when I truly come alive and shine. It makes me better at what I do, and allows me to be brave to open up to the world with my goofy antics and theatrical nature. When I have real support that is when I become unstoppable. It’s why I was such a force of nature a few years back. Doing crossfit, working out, hiking, biking, Juijitsu, because I had support. When it went away my life began to spiral into being alone and fear. 

So if you want to get to know me, then open up to me. Joke with me because the way to my heart is through laughter. Yea I know you would think food right? No, laughter. If I laugh that is when you get to see me. It allows me to put my wall down and come out. Imagine me like a crab, you have to coax me outta my shell. But enough about me. How about you? What are some ways you feel supported? Are you receiving enough support in your life? What can you do to get the support you need? I know it’s a bitch asking for help. I know it’s the hardest damn thing, but it doesn’t make you weak. It means you are part of something more. I thought I had to do everything myself, all the time, always. But this isolation showed me I need people. I truly need a tribe of people to make me feel safe and supported. Who reach out and joke with me, who include me and make me feel like I’m part of it. All I had in my life was rejection and drama, I’m done with that. I just want to be loved and seen. I want to laugh non-stop until I pee my pants. Because laughter is truly the most incredible medicine. 

Today I had low moments and then highs. It ended at a 8. The past few days have been rough on me but I am going to turn that around real quick.