Embracing the Fear
What are you afraid of? Those things usually hold you back from a life you want. For me it’s the fear of being open and being part of a community then having the rug pulled out from underneath me. So instead I don’t dare entertain that fear. But my dreams involve people, they involve community, and they involve transforming the mental shift of our culture. How can I ever get to that if I am hiding behind my fears and excuses?
My last client is an inspiring woman. Her heart is open and embracing, and speaking to her clarified a lot for me. Speaking to a lot of my clients lately clarified a lot for me. That I am shedding my skin, the scared introverted shy person I have been told I was (by me and many others) my whole life is battling who I truly am. The fears that make me callous, depressed, and just introverted are dimming, and the inner confidence and light is slowly coming to life. After one of my clients I looked out onto the gym floor and felt ready to commit. I felt so badly how I wanted to be the athlete that has been screaming inside me to take care of my health and body coming out. That inner Viking, (part Viking) has been laying dormant waiting for the day I’m ready to pillage a fucking barbell with my power. I’ve been scared of it too because I know how far I could go. I know how strong I could be. I know I could become a deadly force. But fear holds me back. My struggle is all mental, and the bullshit I put myself through is incredible.
That’s why I need support like I said yesterday or the day before. Not sure what day it is anymore. Because I need one person to help me believe in me. I know it comes from you, I know that you have to believe it. But I need one person to meet me where I am at without judgement, without ridicule, but compassion and push. I know so needy right. But its so that I have someone to have my back. That if I cry during a workout it’s because I am fighting demons and I am releasing the pain. That if I cry because I am mad it’s again how I release emotions, crying. That is why I have a hard time because I don’t like to show others my tears, my pain, my struggle. I don’t want to be judged for how I heal, or how I deal with trauma. I cry if I make someone else laugh sometimes, I cry if I am angry or need to stand up to someone, I cry if I am happy. I cry. It’s not because I’m a sad person, or that I am emotional. Its just what I do. But others take it as weakness, or emotional, or not being strong. I guess it’s why I may come off as a bitch with my resting bitch face. Because I might want to cry. Don’t take that as me wanting to cry all the time cause no but sometimes my eyes will well up because I am happy or proud or facing a fear or scared. Relax its not all the time.
So what are those fears you got rolling around in your brain hole? Do you notice them popping up in your daily life? Are they causing you to pull back? What do you need that would make you feel comfortable tackling them? Make a list. Talk to a friend. Open up publicly like me, kidding. Fears are illusions we make real, so the more you let it dictate your life the more real it is. I jumped out of a plane almost 3 years ago to tackle my fear of falling and heights, and it helped a lot. The more we put in an effort to face it, the more we show it for what it truly is. Fake news. The more we rise above it. Do you want your headline to always be “Check it out 33 year old fear of rejection and abandonment, sits in corner depressed.” Or do you want to change your story? You have the power, you can chose. If you need help along the way then get it. I know I need it to be extraordinary! How will your headline read?