Meditation: Lost and Found
Meditating today allowed me to work on something I have been feeling anxiety over a lot lately. Just like the rest of the world I fear what is to come during the winter months. I’ve had a lot of cancellations because clients are calling telling me these have strep or they just don’t want to jinx it. But at my fear I feel as if it’s me. I thought that because I won this award that some magical wand would wave and everything would go back to the way things were. Last year and previous years this was my busy season. Kids in school, crossfit games, everyone hustling and working hard, and now it feels like there is this calm before the storm. Everyone waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Last month was a whirlwind of constant busyness, and it made me feel calm, secure, and even hopeful that winter would not slow me and others down. But then the past week it died down super fast, and got my heart racing. I looked at other people’s businesses and thought is it just me, am I at the root of this. And then I meditated. As I allowed myself to explore the space I felt tears stream hot down my face, not because of a lack of work, but because at the root of my heart I don’t believe in myself. I finally understood that even with others applauding me, others believing in me I did not believe in myself. I had cast aside the old self, the old pains, and today realized I don’t feel worthy to succeed.
It’s like yesterday, I went golfing and I had this beautiful putt on the first hole that made me feel so magical, and scared. I literally started to close down after it, messing up shots, overthinking everything. Every time I would do a nice shot the next that would follow we’re awful. It was like every time I got closer at success, or fun, or magic, my heart would get angry. I would stress myself out because I didn’t believe I was worthy of greatness or being great or successful. Sure I envision like everyone the end goal, the point you want to get to, but because of that deep feeling inside me I always allow myself to never follow through.
Meditating allowed me to open up to myself, to ask the questions and sit with what came up. It opened me up to perform the most magical and amazing reiki/massage/healing experience I have ever done. Allowing myself to feel my fear, recognize my shortcomings, my inner darkness , opened me to listen, to feel, to see, to practice courage, to let my intuition guide me. I don’t know what plane of existence I was on when performing this but it was a depth I have never been to before. Meditating today I thought about the world, thought about the buildings and the hustle and bustle of work and routine, and all I could think was I wanted deeper then a job, deeper then a t.v. Show, deeper then the superficiality that us humans create for the world. I wanted to do true soul work, frequency work.
Then after meditating the first thought that came to me was, I wonder if milk causes depression in humans because it’s the pain of mother cows not being able to feed their babies. It’s a nourishing substance that’s why it’s delicious, but then it causes inflammation, phlegm, damp in us. Isn’t that a peculiar thought to have after meditating? Have you tried meditation? If I didn’t meditate and release the energy deep inside me I may have never been able to do the type of work I did today. Meditating recharges, reprograms, and shows you what is going on inside you, underneath all the bullshit noise in our head. So I recommend if you are feeling depressed, feeling tired, feeling like shit just meditate. You may cry or laugh, you may feel better after. Just remember to walk into whatever it is that comes up, even if it’s hard. Facing it head on will allow you to face anything.
Today was a 8.