Forgiveness and letting go
Now this is a big one. Im gonna tell you why in a very vulnerable way because I feel a lot of shame about it. I have been thinking about this for a long time but it finally came to the surface.
You ever have this feeling that if you let go of one thing it undoes everything? For me Im having a hard time with this. It feels like if I let go and forgive then everything I went through is erased. Like no ownership, no responsibility, just back to the dysfunction and drama. During the past couple years I have gone through a huge change, taken ownership of my life, my fuck ups, my part and I created boundaries and built confidence. I’ve healed from things but also still have no contact with people I was hurt from. Ive spoken my peace and was able to move forward but then I have this part of me that yearns for them. Its like a cozy little sweater that I have around me, the pain, the traumas, and I don’t want to give up the comfort it gives me. Hear me out, If I throw away the sweater does it undo everything I went through? Like I want to forgive but I feel like maybe some kind of ownership or responsibility should be taken from the other parties involved.
This is where I feel lost. I didn’t want to talk about this because of the shame I have tied with this but I have a sense of justice, not just when it comes to me, for others as well. And to me I feel like if I go back, if I open the door again I wont have any change in how the dynamics are. I don’t want to open a door when I have become so strong and empowered by closing it, but family is the one thing in this world that I love so completely that I feel torn. Does this make sense?
I dream of a day when I have backyard barbecues like when I was a kid, or when we would all be together for christmas. I havent had that since I was young, and I miss what there use to be before the divorce, the dramas and the fights. It’s hard to know where you belong in the world when this huge shift leaves you feeling like an outsider. Yet I have been moving past it. Ive been talking to more people and opening up. Making real friends and truly feeling like I am getting there, and now I want to share it with my family. This amazing person I have become, despite the support, despite the bs, I have arrived and am going to continue to transform into something better everyday. And I want to share with them my accomplishments, share my life, share my stories and fears.
But how can I when they are all the same and I am so completely different. How can I forgive when I feel like my past made me who I am? By ending my connection I allowed myself to be free, but it didn’t stop the love or missing them. I have gotten to a point where I look at my past like a badge, proud of what it made me into. I am grateful to it even though it was shit at times, but am uncertain if there is a moving forward with the people involved. Can you forgive and let go without your work being undone or erased? Maybe my past is the crutch that limits me into believing my true magic. I just feel this wedge right now, of self love and magic meeting the old patterns and stagnation and I believe if I forgive them I lose the patterns. Im just scared I’ll lose myself.
Its like one of those vendetta movies. Guy kills the parents and the young kid grows up to face the man and after he finishes off the man who killed them whats next? After I forgive what is next? Can I forgive without having to repair what was broken? Can I move forward without erasing what was? That pain taught me so much, its safe and I know what to expect from it. What happens when it is no longer there? When I truly transmute it and only feel love?
Today was a 7. Deep in thought