Growth
Not everyday is going to be some deep epiphany that enlightens your soul and change who you are. Growth is a never ending process and the journey has points in which you deeply feel the change, but it’s an ongoing thing. It requires a lot of processing, talking out loud, making the same mistake over and over again until you begin to see that you no longer claim that as your reality. Growth happens in the darkness, when you finally decide to be the change you long for so badly. It takes getting so sick and tired of things, feeling just utterly defeated, damn right bad that you either get up and rise, or you decide that it’s easier to stay stuck.
If you are unhappy with the way things are what do you want to do about it? Have you thought about how being unhappy is effecting your life? Or do you just cling to complaining, staying in the unhappy feelings and letting the things that make you unhappy outside of yourself continue to make you unhappy. See growth isn’t about being comfortable. It’s about the nitty gritty things we avoid, it’s about confronting someone when we rather not deal with how they cross our boundaries or use us. It’s about looking inward to the feelings inside and accepting what was and letting go to free us from the past instead of pushing it deeper. It’s about taking all that indoctrination we learned from our nurturing and upbringing and instead questioning why we believe the same things we were taught. It’s questioning everything up to this point right now and letting go of the things that no longer are serving you, and opening yourself up for a new perspective. Which is hard!!!
The first time I think I truly grew was when I broke up with my first boyfriend. I had been with him for 8 years and engaged, and all the while I was miserable. Not just because of him, but because who I was loved the feeling of being depressed. Maybe it was the brain damage or maybe it was the years of being unloved or shown I was unlovable, whatever it was I was angry and bitter and broken. But after I finally left him finding myself was a whole new story. I kept looking for answers by seeing people here and there, kept being desperate for love and acceptance from my family. Kept bringing in the same kind of men who just used me and never truly cared about me, and continued to repeat this cycle for a while. But during that time because I was finally single I found freedom to explore my pain, even if I didn’t see that is what I was doing back then.
Then the moment I was finally split open from all the pain was when my 2nd boyfriend and I ended. The fairytale, happily ever after story I believed in shattered and I was devastated. I had no idea who I was and for anyone who feels this way I want to tell you something right now. It may seem scary but trust me, it is the most amazing feeling. It’s scary because we are told we should know ourselves, we should know how to control ourselves and our feeling, but then we are told to need to not have feelings. But not knowing yourself means you get to explore the unlimited possibilities of yourself. You get to try on new hats until one feels right and you’re like damn I look good in this hat. You get to change your career, you get to change your look, you get to change all that inside headspace, YOU GET TO CHOSE! So if you are afraid because you don’t know what you want or who you are, embrace it! You get to throw a party everyday for yourself, like all those gender reveal parties. Who am I today bitches? So be thrilled about this scary ass feeling because to be scared means you are on the right track. Unless there is violence or you are truly in danger then being scared is survival instincts helping you to fight or flight.
That is why so many people today are changing the whole dynamic of what it means to be human. We have people who change gender, identify as non binary, who celebrate the rainbow, and this is beautiful. It means they went through that very thing of not knowing who they were and discovering for themselves this is me, this feels right and amazing. So celebrate them and applaud them, it takes courage to be yourself. It took me 34 years to finally have the courage to be authentically me. So this is what I dare you to do, welcome change, welcome not knowing yourself, welcome the crap and shit because I bet you that you will grow from it. And if you see someone else living in their full authentic self love on them, high five them, admire them because they did exactly what you are doing now. Working on figuring out who they are.
Life doesn’t have to be hard, it can be this fun beautiful thing. Sure it can have dark days, dark moments, but those glimpses of dark should help you be grateful for the light. If we all started to love on one another, support each other, help each other rise up and empower the shit out of each other than we wouldn’t have all this nonsense we have going on. Growth is about acceptance and love, it’s about owning yourself and sharing that gift with the world. The gift of you, the only you that will ever be. That is a true gift. So if you aren’t where you want to be its okay. Explore the reaches of your mind, take action and trust in yourself to get there. We get this life to make scrumptious choices and learn so many things, we get the opportunities of free will. There are so many people that are being trapped or controlled and don’t get this basic human right. That is who we should be mad at, those are the people we should rise up against. Not towards our fellow man, woman, they, but the people who oppress another human being from having a life, from having choice, from having a chance to find themselves.
So my friend if you are struggling to grow it’s okay. It’s a roller coaster, sometimes you are just slowly grinding to the top until you hit a peak and maybe you go higher or do a loop de loop on the way down. It’s knowing that whatever happens you will be okay, that you are worthy and brave enough to fight harder for you. It’s okay not to know things about yourself. I’m still learning things I didn’t realize, and when I finally get to see those things it’s like a whole new rabbit hole of self discovery just opened up to greet me. The thing I ask is if you are scared ask for help. If you want to grow try to see the positive of growth instead of the negative. Be kind, and spread love.
Today was a 8.