Conch and the Beast
For my English class I was asked to write an essay based off of three choices and the one I chose was how I treat myself. I received full marks for this essay and felt like I would share it here. I realized today that writing everyday though great and keeps me consistent, it does not have the same flavor of a well thought out essay. I decided to share it, and hope you Enjoy it. This is a raw history of Hope.
Conch and the Beast
All my life I was made to believe I was worthless. No time was expended to see me succeed, only cheap shots, threats, and drama filled tendencies. I was tossed back and forth like a ping pong ball from parent to grandparent to group home to new family all the while telling me it’s my fault, I am the cause of this. This type of nurturing led me to a very dark time where I overdosed in high school. After having to live with a new family out of fear, retaliation, and mental abuse I was put on anti-depressants. This triggered me into a further depressed state and all I wanted during this time was to escape the pain and that is what I did. While in school I kept taking pill after pill, trying to get a high, trying to escape reality only to have a grand mall seizure and almost die.
The type of nurturing I was taught felt like a conch that hung around my neck. It taught me that I was a burden, and the conch grew heavier and bigger. If I wanted anything I couldn’t ask for it because I wasn’t worth it, heavier still. I was taught that I would grow up to be my mother, even though as a kid I admired her more than anything, heavier yet. This led me to believe that my mother was bad, that being a mother was bad, and more dilemmas when it came to motherhood. All of the lessons that were taught to me from childhood moved right into adulthood causing me to coast by on autopilot, dragging around this great weight around my neck. This once small conch turned into this great heavy shell, dangling from my neck, silencing me. Days turned to weeks that turned into years of me being bitter, angry, and unaware of how I felt. I was my own beast come to life and I believed myself to be a waste of space on this earth. It wasn’t until a couple of years ago I began to awaken to myself. The part of me, my very nature collided with this nurture and my great darkness began. Why is this relevant with how I treat myself? Because the Beast I thought I was, was not reality. I believed the lies of my nurturer, and until I was able to face it myself, my world was one of negativity and self-abuse.
A few years ago I went into the phase that I believe everyone goes into, the “Who I am and where do I fit in the world.” It begins in your late twenties all through your thirties. It’s the point of your life where you challenge the very thing nature versus nurture. And for me I began this self-exploration journey into the dark. I began to read every self-help book I could find. I started to see a therapist, I picked up a yoga practice and challenged everything I ever thought. But this kind of work is when you are challenged most. The things you start to question will rise up like great beasts and slap you back down to earth. This is what happened to me only last year. All the work into what made me happy, who I was came to a crashing halt when the first test came. My family, the very thing of great importance to me came bursting back into the play. I had assumed a new role and the other characters did not like that I was now taking the lead. This is how you know you are growing, when you begin to learn boundaries and self-love and change who you are in the play. But there fueled vengeance crushed me under its weight and I retreated and withdrew to the world. I went back to the very nurture mentality that I was worthless and in turn treating myself again with disdain and negativity.
For the past year I have slowly crept into the light but so afraid to take the leap because every time I rose I was pushed back down to be made into this small meaningless thing. I treated myself like this victim, hoping for someone else to swoop in and save me from my own hell. Not realizing even with all the therapy sessions and readings that it was up to me. I was responsible for me now, no one could tell me who that was or how to make it happy. It was on me now. This was the moment that my nature took over, when who I truly was began to outshine the years of my nurture. It’s when I adapted a new mindset, one that was no longer clinging to the past with this desperate pull. Instead allowing the death of an old mentality to happen. It wasn’t until March 2020 that this new mentality would be tested, and I would finally awaken to my true nature.
Cut to March 2020 the dance with the devil. I had been teetering back and forth with will I succeed and be happy to wont I. I was bashing all of my accomplishments and undermining everything I had created for myself. I demanded perfection. I had a hunger to become the best, to make the most, to be seen and shove it in everyone’s face. The fire soon smoldered and I had to close my business. For months I was home alone everyday with my dog. My partner worked tirelessly, and during this I couldn’t see how much this would benefit me. Being in solitude was exactly what I needed even though it was one of the greatest tests of my life.
Every day I sunk deeper and deeper into a depression, comparing my life to everyone around me. I cried insistently, felt more anger then I ever had and was on the verge of suicide. I believed I was alone in the world, a constant theme for me. I believed no one loved me, or cared if I existed, and worst was I felt that way about me. My reality was so negative that I didn’t see the truth of how we all went through something. Instead I became a narcissist to my own pain, to my own lies. I allowed them to bring me deeper into the nefarious web I was weaving. I hated on my body, my mind, who I was. The monotony of days blending into weeks made me question life, and if I should even be here anymore. Then the world started to begin again, and I finally started to see how bad my mentality was. I sought help and that is when hope rose.
During the quarantine I had started a blog called Dare to Habit, the one thing that helped me through the demons in my mind. Everything I wrote began to sink in little by little, all the self-love I was trying to create, all the presence it started to creep up on me. I began to change. I felt more whole and satisfied. Every day I woke up feeling gratitude for my work, for my house, for my dog, for my partner. I began to love who I was and really focused on amplifying this.
You see who I always knew myself to be, my nature, was a magical person who could create anything I wanted. I believed I was optimistic and truly magical. A gifted healer who’s intuition was so on point that it was scary at times. But all that nurture of my childhood fought me, pushed me to disbelieve that very thing about me. I treated myself like I was garbage. I felt as if I didn’t matter and the perfection I was trying to be was suffocating. It wasn’t until I was in alignment with the flow of things, loving myself and embracing who I am that the universe opened up for me. When I embrace self-love and acceptance magic truly did happen and I was able to manifest everything I want. It’s kind of my superpower.
How I treat/treated myself is based purely on how I view/ed myself. I believed the lies that were fed to me by my nurturers for so long that I beat up the very person I was. I shunned myself, hiding away, being abused by my very thoughts. And now, I believe I am deserving of love and compassion that is based upon my nature, the very person I am. I found respite in love, in acceptance, and gratitude. It taught me to let go and forgive. It helped me change my mindset to one stoked with kindness and understanding. What I discovered about us as humanity was that we treat ourselves based on which one of these barks louder, your nature or nurture. So which one do you find howling in your ear?