On the cusp of finding my truth
For the past 2 days I have done this meditation (Found here) and let me tell you this one for me is a game changer. I’ve meditated in the past but this one seems to really help me relax and dive deeper into my existence. I have had a hard time wondering why I always sabotage or not allow myself to experience things fully and after meditating on this I was able to find some answers. They may only be breadcrumbs but they really helped me put things into perspective.
Today I realized I punish myself. Ever since I was a little kid I have always demanded better of people and for a long time I blamed others for their inadequacies. But after meditating I realized I punish myself for abandoning my family. When it came to my childhood I always chose myself and what was best for me. So when the mental abuse began I chose myself and got out. When my grandma played mind games, fought with me every 2 weeks I chose myself and I abandoned my family. Sure you may be thinking that well you did deserve better, and yes I know I did. But every time I chose myself instead of staying and accepting them I punished myself because I thought I was selfish or weak or had to much arrogance. My dad couldn’t take care of us and so I got us out, my mother was mentally ill and distant so I chose myself. Over and over I chose me and for the longest time I didn’t see it, that I always chose myself and I abandoned them. I believed I deserved better treatment and didn’t accept them where they were at, so I found a way out.
And because of this I punished myself by not allowing myself to succeed, by not allowing myself to belong, by not letting other people see me. It is through forgiveness of myself that I was able to push forward and start working into my dreams. I held myself back from accomplishing more, from being happy with my body, from being happy with my relationships all because I blamed myself for choosing me over the abuse or the pain or their pain. I wanted nothing to do with it. And the comparisons I would make about other people were more forms of me just beating up on myself. I was my worst enemy and really held on to that truth that I was to blame. I couldn’t even see this or understand it until I finally was able to meditate fully. So I am grateful for tiktok because that is where I got that guided meditation from without it I may have never noticed the pain in my head which led me to question why it was there and how deep it ran. The blame that I carried was because I couldn’t stay and protect my siblings. That I couldn’t stay and make them happy. That I couldn’t stand to be a part of the bullshit, the lies, the drama, the depression of my other family members. I just chose myself and would leave because I couldn’t take another attack or always be reprimanded for being me.
A few years ago I was excelling in my life, I lost weight and got super fit, I had numerous friends, and was very vivacious making a lot of videos and having fun. Along with that I was active, and traveling and more. Then I went up to buffalo to visit my family. I was at the peak of my highest point of feeling great about myself. I had never been more motivated in all my life but when I went up there to see them all the work vanished in a matter of seconds. Being up there began the beat down of my life. You aren’t allowed to succeed, you can’t be doing this well, all the harsh words came flying at me (from myself) and I spiraled out into a serious depression. I gained weight back, stopped working out, stopped caring about my life. I isolated and withdrew from everything and have continued this process. It wasn’t until today that I realized why I’ve done this. I do it because I blame myself for choosing me over all of them, and punish myself because I feel I should have never done that. And this is where I found my freedom. As soon as the words came flying out of my mouth I took a second, “Holy shit.” Like wow did I finally feel why I’ve believed I can’t accomplish anything?
YUP! I had found it, and what did I do then? I immediately began to live. I asked the owner of the gym for help and assistance in my business. I would say to myself I forgive you any time I had doubt. I began to learn what I have to do to open my new business. I started to take charge and empower myself. I shed the skin that has been holding me down and back. And I no longer am blaming myself for it. I am a brilliant light and amazing soul and the only person I am in control of is me. So by learning that information today I gained freedom to forgive and to move forward. I am excited to see where I am going now.
If you are having a hard time like me not understanding what your self sabotage is I highly recommend you meditate. Use the one I linked up above. You owe it to yourself to explore your inner demons and faults. If you aren’t ready for a change then do something else, but if you want to begin to understand yourself then begin with meditating. You can work out all you want, you can write all you want, you can work hard all you want, but if you don’t have the inner awareness, the understanding then its only trying to fill a hole in you. Don’t let your distractions keep you from coming to terms with your inner darkness. Alls it does is prolong the crap, the things you don’t like in your life, and wouldn’t you rather enjoy and create an amazing world rather than complain, feel like your inadequate and low? If you are reading this and you want to wait to do some digging here is where I am going to say, why wait? WHY? Don’t let the fear of what you may find prevent you from gaining the freedom to become limitless. You don’t have unlimited amount of days to be alive, so stop pitying yourself, stop acting the fool and grab the reigns to your life. Try it out, you may just find you like yourself way more.
Today was a 11.