Home is where the Heart is.
What does home look like to you? Is it 4 walls and roof? Does it come in pretty colors and shapes with windows to look out? Or is it people? The family members that raised you? The friends that chose you? The pets you chose? What does home remind you of? Is it safety and security? Is it laughs and Holiday get together? Home they say is where the heart is so what is your heart full of?
My heart wasn’t always bad. There was a lot of fond memories I had of my family doing huge parties in the back yard with bad mitten and volleyball. It was Christmas as a child waking up to presents and food, not knowing back then how few those would become. It was playing video games with my brothers and drawing. It was being imaginative and messing with my brothers by making up crazy things. It was riding our bikes to no end and hot chocolate on the front porch in a thunderstorm playing D&D. Well never really getting to play fully because we would start but be over it very shortly. My heart yearns for these memories and for this to be my home. Where I felt safe and secure, happy and part of a family, but the truth is it isn’t.My home is full of abandonment and anxiety. Full of sadness and longing for what was. And that is what I am working on changing, where my home is.
When I picture home now it’s torn between 2 places. The past, and my present. I picture my airplane hanger as my home, with my little snap snap and my wonderful partner Nick. I see this as my home, where I feel safe and secure. Where I am learning to be happy and laugh more. But that other place creeps up riddling me full of anxiety and insecurities. It comes like the grinch in the night undoing all my work, reminding me I have no home, no family and that feeling leaves me empty. Sure I have family but the only one I really speak with is my dad, and even then it’s not as often as it once was. But my reality of my home is that I am alone. And that is the problem.
How do you undo years of this thinking? Well it’s not done overnight. It requires practice and consistency, and also acceptance. So my home is the friends I am making, my home is in my hanger with Nick and Snappy. My home is my dad, and half brother and Dee. My home is what I make of it, not the stories that silently come in and derail it. You make your home day in and day out what you want it to be. So when that thought comes in feel it fully, validate it, and then tell yourself this is no longer serving me and I no longer accept this as my reality. Choose what you want. Choose to remember the good instead of uplift the bad. Chose to be present, full of gratitude for this moment. Every second is a choice we make, and some of those choices are stupid and cause the spiral effect into the dark, but it doesn’t have to go down. You can undo it by choosing to accept it and find your way back out. I once said to my brother when I was a kid I hope to be insane so that I can battle my way out of it. That stuck with me because I have been living in insanity for so long and now I am slowly making my way out of it. I was repeating the same thing over and over and expecting a different result, but I wasn’t different. My perspective wasn’t different. I held on to that ego instead of breaking through that I am not defined by my past,I am defined by what I do now. And now that ego is crumbling around me and my mind is grasping at whatever it can to keep me in it. Telling me remember this, this is you. Or this that was you too. It is trying to contain me and the thing is I am uncontainable. Because we are so much more then our egos, we are brilliant beings with the ability to create marvels and defy nature. We are masters of our own universes, blinded by ego and doubts and fears. And now I am seeing that for the first time. Becoming awaken to my true potential, to the truth of my lies I told myself and still try to do.
So how do you want to decorate your home? With past trinkets of negative memories? Or do you want to uplift it with happy chochkis and positive reinforment? You get to chose how long you hold on to the past. You get to chose what you fill your heart with. You chose by feeling it fully and letting go. Sometimes its hard to find your way out. It can feel impossible and unrealistic, but I promise that you can. I am living proof that we are capable of change and that makes me hopeful for the future.
Today I am at a 8. Only because I ate cake yesterday, well a lot of cake and my tummy is not happy. Otherwise I feel great!