The thief of Joy

So many times we don’t realize that we punish ourselves over and over again. The faults of the parent is reflected in the mind of our inner child. It comes out as the inner critic and can be the worst abuse we ever receive. My inner critic is a callous thief of joy and crushes a lot of my hope. It dictates to me who I am and what I am allowed to do. And since I was forced to live a sheltered life in my teens and not allowed to do anything that is what it reinforces now. 

Everyone has an inner voice. Some are much louder and more aggressive then others (like mine) and others may not hear much. Like let me give you an example of this thief, I never wear shorts in public because of my legs. My weight clings to my lower half like most of the females on my dads side. But when I was a kid my legs were used for everything. I played soccer for a few years and loved the run during that time, I also did martial arts, and just was constantly outdoors when I could be. My legs meant something to me, they represented my lively spirit, my tenacity and fire, they were my base of my spitfire personality. But fast forward to adult Hope and she can’t stand her legs. She looks at them and doesn’t see the scar from falling on gravel or the numerous ankle sprains. She doesn’t see the fun and joy they were filled with so long ago, all she see’s is ugliness and size. The self judgment I inflict on myself is real and instead of wearing shorts like others I hide my shame with pants. Not like you can’t see my legs, but my mentality is to cover up my shame. 

Now what sparked shame when all those years were filled with joy and laughing? Instability in a dysfunctional home, being told I can’t go out with friends all the time. Being separated from my siblings, put in a group home. Living alone with no one and being so sick I couldn’t move. Years of self doubt, rejection, and fear, that is what happened. I look at my legs and see the missed soccer games, I see the lack of discipline and harsh words spoken to me all the time. I see the lack of support given to me my entire life. And don’t take this as I am a poor victim, I am getting to my point. 

But our legs are our support system. There are 2 sides of a body, male and female and split into sections, each part of our body represents something to us. My legs were my support, and me looking at them I see all the support I never received. This is when we change the perspective now. Today I am wearing shorts and yesterday I wore them as well. Sure it was just around my partner and out to the grocery store but it happened. I am beginning to see that no matter what it only comes down to what I think of myself, and I am tired of seeing myself as weak. I am tired of seeing my legs as fat loafs. I am tired of beating up my body and shaming it because all it has ever done is been here with me through it all. I kept secrets in my body for so long that now that I am free from all of it I looked at myself as wounded and spoiled. When instead I should of looked at myself like a Viking warrior who has battled a lot and survived. 

My legs carried me through all the pain. Walking on coals and coming out blistered and burnt my feet just kept moving forward. So that is what I need to see now, not the years of support I didn’t get but how I supported myself through it all. How I battled depression and anxiety and every single obstacle thrown my way and survived. All the while my legs carrying me through. All the while they supported me each time I wanted to give up, each time I wanted to quit. They aren’t some ugly piece of me, they are the strongest part of me and I forgot how unbreakable they truly are. So that inner critic can fuck off because I love my legs. 

Writing this post I had no idea how badly I shamed my body. My awareness has really just started to open and now I can see all the shame, guilt, and fear I have created for myself. I want to apologize to myself, I am sorry Hope for listening to those harsh words and being so cruel to you. You have done nothing but be courageous and amazing and all I have done is try to bring you down every day. I know this doesn’t make up for it but forgive me anyways. Because underneath the criticisms and harshness I truly love you. Love always yourself. 

Do you hear that thief of joy try to bring you down? What is he saying? What does his words bring up in you? The feelings, emotions, and actions taken because of them? How do you see yourself? Do you think that it’s the right perspective or is it covered with a tint of some trapped emotion? Mine was shame. I was shameful of my past, of my family, of myself. Now I can change this. Now I get to battle it and move forward. How about you? Are you ready to battle yourself? Dig deep and lets go!

Today I started at a 9 and I will continue this till the end of the day!! I am at a 9!! YAY!