Revealing the Dark
I’ve spoken about how to get clarity through using interrogative self talk back in March. How asking questions to why you feel a certain way or if you wish to spark more gratitude can be answered simply by asking How, why, or what. Those terms make it relevant to you and after all you are the one who is trying to gain clarity for you and the things you want right?
I have had so much gratitude lately, for my clients, for my partners family and for my life but underneath that I feel something bubbling to the surface that is coming up as this gruffness that makes me feel harsh. I am in no way a harsh person but Christmas can bring out that harshness in me, perhaps because under the gratitude and happy feelings I still am struggling with receiving and that my own family is incapable of celebrating Christmas.
Every year I celebrate Christmas with other people’s families and with friends because the shame I feel about my family is a sword that cuts into me. I have come to accept my past with them and come to accept them for what they are but it doesn’t make the ache any less. I look at my partner who has a wonderful family and I love his parents so much. I look at friends who have parents and family get togethers and I have to squash that inside the yearning I have for that same thing. I miss when Christmas was this magical time of family, food, presents, and love. I feel like Christmas is my favorite time of the year but it also makes me feel so angry that my family is so disappointing. My mom’s side is a bunch of judgmental gossiping shrews who always have to be attacking someone, and my dads side is depressed and financially suffering. So why, knowing these truths do I feel slighted?
I feel slighted because I am an exceptional person. I truly am good and kind and have all these amazing qualities about myself and I feel cheated. This then gets me to work harder and be better and though this is a wonderful thing it also keeps me in the mindset I am not enough. So how can I release this feeling and find assurance in the fact that I am enough? I think I will find this answer through meditation. This feeling just hit me after I had received gifts, love, and support from my partners family. Something I haven’t received in a long time from my own. I know we don’t chose our family but we get to make our own, and I am working towards embodying this.
We all have our stuff we come to accept or change. We all have things that lay under our surface that we don’t share. But the way we learn to move forward is through. Understanding what it is that is inside us and letting it go. I know this may seem a slight bit revealing but how do we change without first revealing what we wish to shift? I bring to light the dark so that I may cast away the shadow. I want to move into a place where I feel at peace with this so that I may receive without guilt or shame. So that when I am with people I love and appreciate I can be fully present. I have definitely moved quite far forward but have much work to do in loving myself fully enough to receive.
Id love for you to sit with your own inner darkness for a minute. What is it and where do you feel it? Is there certain times it presents itself more then others? Perhaps with events or certain times of the year? Allow yourself to fully see it for what it is and breathe into the gratitude of it’s lessons. That is what I am going to do. 2021 will be my year of expansion, and this means for me to expand in the light and love of myself. I’m grateful for where I am and eager for the future. Till tomorrow my friends. Have a blessed night.
Today was a 7.