Silence

When there is no noise, no talking, just hushed air filling the external world my heart starts to race. The lack of sound for me means that a bomb is about to go off, and the world is going to go into chaos. Growing up in dysfunction you would think that to gain a sense of silence amongst the chaos would be a shelter from the madness. It wasn’t for me and because of that the one fear I have that is the hardest for me to overcome is silence.

I use to believe that for me the biggest fears were rejection, abandonment, and conflict but it’s not true. Today I felt a need to really dig into my existence, and figure out why I feel like I lack purpose. Yea that feeling of not having a purpose can break a spirit and leave you a disheveled mess. So in my mess, recording myself talking, I found it. I realized that I have silenced myself for so long. Silence is powerful, and it can be peaceful or destructive. When you are shunned and criticized, told you are a burden, and just made to feel worthless, you lose your voice. At first sure you fight, at least I did. I didn’t care about conflict, I embraced it because it was normal, and my voice mattered to me. I stood up time and time again to speak out. But after years of it the mental fatigue wore on me and I broke. I hushed myself into a submissive lump, not speaking my mind, not allowing my voice to be heard.

The times before the chaos everything would be fine and quiet. It was so nice to feel normalcy but soon that normal became the calm before the storm. It was every few weeks I would have to brace myself for some kind of fight, some kind of conflict, that would leave me on edge and slowly losing a piece of myself. Month by month it took pieces of me, slowly closing my throat to stand up for myself, and eventually I submitted and internalized. I became so quiet I feared people. I was so terrified at times of people because I couldn’t speak. My silence left others feeling like I was guarded and had a bug up my butt. My “shyness” was a veil for my pain, that I couldn’t use my voice. I had lost it in the fights, in the constant battles I faced. I grew so use to them that into adulthood I would relive them every few weeks even if there wasn’t anything to fight over. The PTSD of it haunted me, and wired those pathways to become a foundational habit in me. Through years of self work and therapy I started to move forward. I was able to forgive the past, yet the silence still scares me. When I don’t feel safe I hide now. I don’t speak my truth. I avoid it, and I want to change that. I want to make silence a sanctuary for me. A place where I can be comfortable in my own skin, without the fight kicking in.

Silence is power. To embrace the silence allows you to be present. You get to be a part of the world, and be in the moment. It’s the noise we use to fill the space that clouds us to right now. We chatter away, put the tv on, radio, anything we can so that we don’t feel alone, and stuck in the quietness. We fill it up with meaningless conversations, and utter nonsense in order to not be present. The bombardment of the constant cacophony tunes us out to what is needed inside us. We seek outside of ourselves in order to appease the thirst we feel. Have you ever been in a conversation and then you reach a point where there is nothing to say and the awkwardness and silence leaves you in discomfort? Well that is why getting comfortable with silence allows you just to enjoy the present. Instead allow that moment to exist between you as a place of peace. Don’t label it, or define it. Don’t put expectations on yourself or the other person, embrace it. It’s in those moments you gain closeness with another. To be in silence with others and not cringe, now that is trust. That is comfort. It’s where you accept, and just be.

I challenge you to find a physical location in your house where you can take 15 minutes to be in silence. Whether you meditate or just sit there that is up to you. Just allow yourself to be present, not thinking, not analyzing or rehashing something that just happened. I want you to just be. Allow that silence to fill you up and open your eyes to the present. Because all we ever have is moment to moment and that is precious and fleeting.

I also challenge you to open up to yourself after you take that time to be in silence. It’s what I did. I just sat in the silence with myself today. Nothing to occupy my space, not tv, reading, video games, cleaning. Just literal silence. After that I recorded myself speaking to someone I love, expressing what that silence offered me. At first I was just rambling, but then I discovered my fear of it. My dread when things are quiet. It showed me that even with all the work I have done I still haven’t overcome the things holding me back from my greatness. It showed me my inner truth, and pointed out my avoidances. Sitting in silence, even with fear, showed me my voice again. So I ask you what is the worst that can happen if you sit in silence for a little? I hope you allow yourself the space to grow and search inside yourself. I hope you find a place of silence and embrace it. I hope that you gain a better sense of self through being present in the now. And I hope that through all this you gain a sense of freedom that allows you to be heard.