Dances with Murph
In memory of Navy Lieutenant Michael Murphy, 29, of Patchogue, N.Y., who was killed in Afghanistan June 28th, 2005.
Have you ever heard of the workout called Murph? It is a crossfit high intensity interval training style workout. Check out the picture above to see the details of what it entails. And usually you wear a 20lb weighted vest if you want double death, which I am not even capable of yet being out of shape like I am. But let me tell you even modified it is death by workout.
When I was starting this workout I went into it believing I could finish. The past couple of days I have had even more lows then highs because things are unraveling within myself. Seeing the truth and speaking the truth has been something I have come to be. The thing that happened with my sister started to ripple out and truly effect me. It brought the truth that I am alone in this world because I have lost my family. I have my dad and yesterday I opened up to him about things. I feel better today but I am still processing all of this. I have been so angry since my grandmas passing and the events that have unfolded since then have brought me to this very point. That I no longer want to be sad, or depressed or judgmental and push others away. I was so afraid of loss and being left out it left me already more alone then I felt. I was angry at everyone and put people on this pedestal that they shouldn’t of been put. Why do I tell you this? Because during murph this all came out more. The battle for my soul was commencing and I fought forward. The darkness I still feel is deep and I am waiting for it to finally release me from its grasp. But as I wait I grow and become better. At least I hope I am.
When you workout what happens in your mind? Do you face your own demons? If so how do you combat them? How do you shut them the fuck up and kick their ass? Me I just keep pushing through, sometimes tears stream down my face as I push myself through. Its why I don’t like doing crossfit with others, but also why I want to and love too as well. I don’t want others to see me cry as I fight to stand my ground in the darkness that is my mind. Im scared to show that and be judged. I am afraid others don’t understand the pain I have endured and the hardships I faced and will just tell me to get over it already. I am afraid and I don’t want to be anymore. I have lived a life in fear for so long and now I find myself at the edge of a crossroads.
If you are anything like me in this regard just know you aren’t alone when it comes to this. Even if I don’t know you, reach out and I will cheer you the fuck on. No judgements. Because I know how fucking low and dark and scary that monster is. I know the wars waged and the destruction had. And I will always support others and uplift them because I know how lonely it can be. I know how hard and how sometimes you just don’t have anything left to give. I am here for you.
my time was 49:27
Today I started at a 6 and finished at a 7. It was a victory and I am proud I pushed through.